ughhhhhhhhhh why can’t my family understand how uncomfortable i get within certain situations like they just really don’t get it do they

i am honestly the worst person to ever talk with in terms of death

and it’s not because i fear it or anything because that sort of conversation comes up frequently with me because death can be one of the most fascinating topics but

i get really uncomfortable talking about it in certain situations like if you ask me to call someone or approach someone and say “hey i’m sorry for your loss and here with you in your grief” i just 

i can’t do that

because it’s not true at all

and i won’t cry and i won’t say that because most of the time it’s someone i just don’t really know that well even if they’re vaguely related to me and even if the person i know is devastated and i really get uncomfortable especially when i’m forced into that sort of situation where i have to pretend i’m in mourning when i don’t really feel anything at all

this is also why i dread funerals more than anything in this world

and also why my family thinks i’m a cold-hearted emotionless asshole

even though i’m honestly far from it