Movies Watched in 2012
213. Cache (Michael Haneke, 2005)
Everyone loves this movie more than anything in this universe, so I’m more than prepared for how “”“controversial”“” my opinion on this one might be.
Haneke really likes torture. Whether it’s torturing his characters through actual violence or having them receive a bunch of videotapes and drawings, he loves it. He also likes torturing his audience members, leaving them helpless as can be to do anything for the people on screen. This is something I loved about Funny Games. This is also something I didn’t love about Cache.
Let’s talk about how gorgeously shot a lot of this movie is, because if there’s one thing that Cache is, it’s goddamn beautiful most of the time. Lots of lengthy shots and long takes and great set design makes this a mostly aesthetically appealing movie (although the colors tend to stay within the nice little realm of bland tones except for red red red red red (cue eye roll)). And that title card/opening credits! Damn boy, that was bootiful. Those same long takes and lengthy shots that I liked however soon become a lot more annoying rather than pleasant.
Now let’s talk about how fucking bored I was through most of it. I didn’t feel unnerved for any of these people. I didn’t care about any of these people. I didn’t even want to know who was sending the goddamn tapes by half an hour in. I just lost interest, but I trekked on. I trekked on for Binoche, who really does a marvelous job even though I was not into the material. I trekked on because no matter how much I dislike something, I can’t give up on it. I even sat through Gigli and Begotten and trust me, that’s pretty much as bad as it gets.
It’s not as though Cache doesn’t have some redeeming qualities, it just doesn’t have many. Maybe I didn’t “”“get it”“” or maybe I’m missing something or maybe Haneke sort of just bludgeons me to death with boring symbolism, but I’m really just on the fifty-fifty with this. There were a few scenes that actually left me laughing out loud, and not laughing from any sort of tension relief, just laughing because of how outrageous certain scenes were in the midst of this so-called thriller.
There’s a good chance I’ll give it a few rewatches someday in the future, just as I did with No Country For Old Men, which I once hated and fell asleep in TWICE but have grown to appreciate quite a lot. For now though, I’d be generous if I gave it three stars because it really did nothing for me, but it doesn’t quite deserve two stars either so it’ll stay trapped in between with a 2.5 (and a 3 on MUBI because they suck and won’t let me give half-stars). At the very least, I’d like to thank Haneke for actually making me want to write this much about a movie because it’s been a while. [2.5/5]